It was too good for this world

May 21, 2011, 6:00 PM

Hm, think I'll make some Easy Mac for dinner tonight. Wait, where'd it go? The box is entirely empty. No...GOD RAPTURED THE EASY MAC.

Well, technically he is correct

MY SISTER: Hey, what kind of accent does Bugs Bunny have?

MY FATHER (without missing a beat): Rabbit.

Stephen Fry

OH DEAR GOD, IT'S ON A LOOP

I'll take one of each

I'd like to introduce you to what is probably the greatest body of religious painting since raptor Jesus. Step aside, Thomas Kinkade. You may paint the shit outta light, but this guy? He can paint FREEDOM.

If you click on the One Nation Under God painting, there is a fancy zoom feature so you can really see all the symbolism. Note the lawyer in the bottom right hand corner "lovingly counting his hundred dollar bills." Believe me, that is exactly what it is like down in the Financial District. It is company policy to pay lawyers in stacks of dolladolla bills; your Christmas bonus is based on how tenderly you act towards your legal tender.

The Forgotten Man is pretty dope, too. It features Obama stepping on the Constitution while Clinton and FDR slow clap in the background.

This guy has really cornered the market on paintings of the Founding Fathers looking horrified. Actually, that's unfair. Along with his daring religio-political work, you can also find such paintings as "Spooky Halloween" and "Tuscan View for Two."

A new member of my collection So Terrible It's Awesome, or, The Entire Internet.

Pretty awesome I guess

So. Tina Fey's book is pretty good or whatever. Like the way ambrosia is a pretty good food.

Watch out for that landshark!

I don't have "irrational fears." My fears are based on careful consideration of fact and Discovery Channel specials. A better term would be "improbable fears." As in, the odds of scientists cloning a Tyrannosaurus rex and it escaping to terrorize the Upper East Side are very slim. Or that my foot would get bitten off by a shark as I was bodysurfing off the Jersey Shore, since I never go in the ocean (because of the sharks).

I do have a new fear to add to my improbable collection. Since I moved to an apartment around the corner from a Duane Reade, I will occasionally venture out to get some sort of dessert-type food.

My fear is that some absurd accident will befall me as I walk back home, and when the police find my body the next morning with my coat pockets full of Cadbury eggs, the following exchange will happen:

Detective A: Went out for a midnight snack, and wound up dead.

Detective B: It's like my wife says--sweets will kill you.

(puts on sunglasses)

If I had a dollar for every time my milk expired

I'd use it to buy more milk, because it costs about a dollar at the bodega next door.

King Arthur

"And then Sir Gawain wept, and King Arthur wept; and then they swooned both." - the legend of King Arthur, as related by Malory.

Sixth century Britain was a difficult time to be alive. Syncope, or "swooning," as it was known in King Arthur's time, was not the delicate, manly activity we know and love today. Consider: the fainting couch would not be popularized until 1832 with the invention of Victorian modesty. A brief lapse of consciousness was usually followed by a hard fall on the ground or upon a fellow knight. One in five knights suffered mortal hurt by accidentally swooning upon a sword (the result leading to more bouts of swooning from any knights in the vicinity).

The New York Trilogy

The back cover of The New York Trilogy that I have describes it as a series of detective novels set in New York City.

What it neglected to tell me is that it is a series of postmodern detective novels set in New York City, AKA weird as balls.

It's like I never left college

via Privilege Denying Dude

IT'S AS HOT AS MY PANTS

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Black Adder II, which gave me oddly inappropriate feelings for a bearded Rowan Atkinson (he is the one not-exploding in this clip):

That is a good motto

"The best way to complain is to make things." - James Murphy

via lifehacker

I clearly went to a liberal arts school

My T9 knows "ennui."

A Delicate Ode to JAVA MONSTER

Oh Java Monster, I had forgotten how deliciously caffeinated you are, empowering me not in a lame, touchy-feely way like feminism, but in an awesome way like radiation.

Homecoming 2010

The weekend I LARPed as a college student.

Halloween Costume

ALL HALLOW'S EVE.

The following is an actual conversation that took place between myself and my mother, via text.

Mom: are you dressing up for halloween

Me: yeah, jenny is going as a flamingo and casey is a peacock

Mom: u guys are so cute. what are you?

Me: i put on a fake mustache

Mom: is that it?

Me: yes.

Mom: r u joking

In my defense, I was really going as Art School Hitler, but thought my mom would be less than thrilled.

New York, New York (why do I live here again?)

My mom has informed me that, if I lived in my hometown, my current salary would qualify me to buy a house.

Well the joke's on her, because if I did live in my hometown at my current salary, I'd just live in her house and blow all of my disposable income on mid-century furniture and novelty cameras so there.

Me vs. the Electric Typewriter

ROUND ONE typewriter: 1, humanity: 0

ROUND TWO man beats machine because we have the ability to learn.

Book Portrait: Currently Reading

P1120020, originally uploaded by e.g.kaufer.

Portrait of Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro

Shot Caller

Before starting my current job, I had a very limited view of what it means to be a lawyer (sources: The New Yorker Book of Lawyer Cartoons). In any case, it seemed like something completely out of my abilities and therefore inaccessible as a career.

Now, it seems to me that being a lawyer basically means a.) dressing well, and b.) making yourself out to be worth more than you actually are, and I'll be damned if my liberal arts degree didn't teach me to at least do that.