It was too good for this world

May 21, 2011, 6:00 PM

Hm, think I'll make some Easy Mac for dinner tonight. Wait, where'd it go? The box is entirely empty. No...GOD RAPTURED THE EASY MAC.

Well, technically he is correct

MY SISTER: Hey, what kind of accent does Bugs Bunny have?

MY FATHER (without missing a beat): Rabbit.

Stephen Fry

OH DEAR GOD, IT'S ON A LOOP

I'll take one of each

I'd like to introduce you to what is probably the greatest body of religious painting since raptor Jesus. Step aside, Thomas Kinkade. You may paint the shit outta light, but this guy? He can paint FREEDOM.

If you click on the One Nation Under God painting, there is a fancy zoom feature so you can really see all the symbolism. Note the lawyer in the bottom right hand corner "lovingly counting his hundred dollar bills." Believe me, that is exactly what it is like down in the Financial District. It is company policy to pay lawyers in stacks of dolladolla bills; your Christmas bonus is based on how tenderly you act towards your legal tender.

The Forgotten Man is pretty dope, too. It features Obama stepping on the Constitution while Clinton and FDR slow clap in the background.

This guy has really cornered the market on paintings of the Founding Fathers looking horrified. Actually, that's unfair. Along with his daring religio-political work, you can also find such paintings as "Spooky Halloween" and "Tuscan View for Two."

A new member of my collection So Terrible It's Awesome, or, The Entire Internet.

Pretty awesome I guess

So. Tina Fey's book is pretty good or whatever. Like the way ambrosia is a pretty good food.

Watch out for that landshark!

I don't have "irrational fears." My fears are based on careful consideration of fact and Discovery Channel specials. A better term would be "improbable fears." As in, the odds of scientists cloning a Tyrannosaurus rex and it escaping to terrorize the Upper East Side are very slim. Or that my foot would get bitten off by a shark as I was bodysurfing off the Jersey Shore, since I never go in the ocean (because of the sharks).

I do have a new fear to add to my improbable collection. Since I moved to an apartment around the corner from a Duane Reade, I will occasionally venture out to get some sort of dessert-type food.

My fear is that some absurd accident will befall me as I walk back home, and when the police find my body the next morning with my coat pockets full of Cadbury eggs, the following exchange will happen:

Detective A: Went out for a midnight snack, and wound up dead.

Detective B: It's like my wife says--sweets will kill you.

(puts on sunglasses)

If I had a dollar for every time my milk expired

I'd use it to buy more milk, because it costs about a dollar at the bodega next door.